Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
