we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
