Your face is a jimmy john
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
