I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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