my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
