If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Found the puke drawer
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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