Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
