This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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