I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
