I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
