This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
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