and you said cock pushups were impossible
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
