My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
