he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
