well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
