i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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