he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
