meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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