you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
