dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
