wrigley field is MILF paradise
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
