I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
