Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
