Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
