I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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