Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
handjob tips. give me some.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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