I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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