Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize