My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
