remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
