Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you win again, gameday.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize