So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
