Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize