You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
