just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hello my rib-scented angel!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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