Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The air was thick with penises
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
