what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize