You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
