he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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