I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
