I am puke
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
