textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
