Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize