Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
