i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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