I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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