You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You made out with two different species that night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
