Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
