Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
