sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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