It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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