I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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