WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
