Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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