I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
