Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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