Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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