The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i've created a new STD.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
