I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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