its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
