: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
