seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the condom got lost in my hair
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
